Judge not...

I know I haven't blogged in so long, that perhaps few will read this, but I'm back. So here it goes, my attempt to re-enter the blog world.

"You can't judge me." So often I hear this phrase from Christians. I know I've said it before as well when I felt like my actions were being unfairly scrutinized or criticized. But as Christians, that's exactly what we're called to.

Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 5:9 - 13,
" I wrote to you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people— not at all meaning the sexually immoral of this world, or the greedy and swindlers, or idolaters, since then you would need to go out of the world. But now I am writing to you not to associate with anyone who bears the name of brother if he is guilty of sexual immorality or greed, or is an idolater, reviler, drunkard, or swindler—not even to eat with such a one. For what have I to do with judging outsiders? Is it not those inside the church whom you are to judge? God judges those outside. 'Purge the evil person from among you.' "

At first, this seems harsh. Particularly because as Americans, we love grace and hate judgment. We flee the pews of the fire and brimstone church and run to the solace of the mega-church where no one knows your name, but God loves everyone and material blessing is evidence of His love and approval of our lives. To truly embrace God is to embrace both His love and His judgment - and to learn that rather than being mutually exclusive ideals they are inextricably interdependent characteristics of God. Striving to be like Christ is to acknowledge the tension between these two ideals and to find the balance where love cannot exist without judgment and judgment is never dispensed apart from love.

Part of this balance hinges on the way we approach our brothers and sisters. My natural reaction tends to be one of two things:
1) To "vent" my frustration to a third party. Just to make sure it's valid. Just to make sure I'm not the only one who feels that way. Just to make up a million excuses why my gossiping is okay, and I never have to have the tough conversation.
2) Bury it deep and pretend it's not there. Avoid it. Avoid the person. Bury it and suppress it until it's likely to explode.
... and sometimes a combination of the two.

Luckily, Matthew 18:15 - 20 talks about this as well.
"If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector. Truly, I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven. Again I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them."

Often we cringe when we read this because we like encouragement. It's a good spiritual gift to have. People like that one. They want to be friends with that person. No one asks for the gift of biblical confrontation. That one steps on toes, makes you feel like the police, and causes people to not be real with you for fear of what might happen if you get into their life. A lot of times I feel like the police. I hate it, it's exhausting, but it's also the most loving thing I know to do. It's like the parent correcting their child because they know that there's a better way for them.

It's never fun to call someone out (and if it is fun for you, I'd recommend a check in your motives and have a slice of humble pie... or maybe the whole pie). It is even harder if you have to bring the fault out before others or even the church, but nothing is more agonizing than having to treat your sibling living in sin "as a Gentile or a tax collector". It is a labor of love, but it is also an extreme honor to play a part in your brother or sister being reconciled to God and others. It may not happen immediately - I know I have a tendency to be defensive when my failures are brought to light, but with time and with God I am thankful for the opportunity to be better.

Iron doesn't sharpen iron without friction. So I pray that in addition to encouraging one another, we would take up the cross of loving accountability. I don't have to ask you to hold me accountable to certain things (although I might) - I give you that permission by claiming Christ.

May we pursue Christ more fervently together by taking personally the spiritual well-being of our brothers and sisters.

The Real World

I was recently told that I could use a taste of "the real world". I'm not sure what that means, especially since I was sure I've been living in the real world for quite some time now.  The follow-up conversation that ensued was littered with words like security, stability, and even recession-proof. If those are the defining characteristics of the real world, I'm not sure I want much to do with it. 

It's funny, recently I find myself asking age-old questions as if it's something new, something revolutionary, something the early church never experienced. Then I am reminded time and time again that my restlessness with the way things are puts me in good company. Leaving everything to pursue Christ's way wasn't popular when the disciples did it, or even when Moses did it, yet I expect a different result. 

I've been thinking a lot about what it looks like specifically for me to follow Christ as 25 approaches. What adventures I'll see, who will be invested in me and with me in God's vision, what will define my 25th year of life. As I look at years past, each had a defining theme... 22 was self-indulgence, 23 was tough decisions, 24 was adventure. I wonder what 25 will be. I desire it to be a year of conquering fears (I even sang karaoke to try to get a jump start on that), but most of all, I want it to be about consistency. Consistency in my relationship with God and my pursuit of knowing him more. Consistency in my investment in others. Consistency in the things I say and the things I do. 

I want to finally put aside my pride, my desire to please others, and my tendency to compare, and just live in the grace and peace of our Father. I'm thankful that He is a relentless pursuer of His children, and am excited to see how He will be glorified this year. 

Slam dunk the funk

Today, I'm in a funk. Not so sure why. Perhaps I'm tired, out of energy. I don't know. 

Pray for me that I can be intentional with people, and kind and loving to my teammates. 

P.S. Being on the road is especially cool when you get free stuff - I got free yellow TOMS!

R-r-r-random... I just say whatever comes to the top of my dome

This blog serves dual purposes. 

a. To fulfill the requests (a.k.a. tagging me in the chain letter of blogging) of friends to tell six random things about myself. 

b. To break free of the doom and gloom blogging I've been up to lately. I'm actually a fairly happy person who loves and enjoys life. I just feel more inspired to write when things aren't going so well... Perhaps it's all that indie music I've been listening to lately. 

So here goes.

The four most random things in my life right now are the four people I am living out of a van with so, in order to further inform you about my life, I will tell you a few things about each.

1. Chris Sirico. He's like your best friends little brother. He's quirky, but you just can't help but love him. Chris is always making music. Whether it's beat-boxing, whistling, humming, singing, drumming on random things... homeboy has a song and he plays it for the world to hear. I love that about him. Also, he understands my facial expressions, which is much appreciated. 

2. Laura Kigweba. This is the most compassionate person I have ever met in my whole life... ever. She actually has the capacity to feel every ounce of what other people are going through. I know at times it's hard for her, but she bears other people's burdens well and uses it to connect with people. 

3. Adam Litchfield. Yes, another Adam. I can't seem to get away from Adams. The funny thing is that pretty much every Adam I know has been a significant person in my life. Litchfield is no exception. He and I seem to share this understanding, something I can't quite put my finger on. He's intentional and quick to apologize/reconcile. He has a great heart, and he also sings under his breath like a deaf person. :)

4. Lauren Grijalva. Lauren is California through and through. She's one of the most chill people I've ever met, and also one of the most giving. She's the first to offer her resources to help people out whether it be material, connections, advice, good questions to help you process. She's great. Also, she's a pastry chef with excellent food taste. You'd never guess she's only a fetus (18 years old). 

And now, other randoms. 

5. When I'm on the road, I become this person who craves organization and tidiness. I'm not always like that in life, but when I'm on the road, I am always finding new ways to try to make things easier. And I like for the van to be clean so I know where to find things. Living out of a van with 4 other people, things tend to get lost/mixed up easily. I like to prevent that as much as possible. 

6. Today, the smell of Old Spice is stuck in my nose. I feel like I smell like it, but I'm not sure where it's coming from. Weird. 

As far as tagging goes, I'm not going to tag 6 people because everyone I know has done it almost. I will say if you haven't done it and you're reading this, please do and comment so I can read it. (Derek, Meghan, and Katy... have you been random??)

1.97

I haven't had internet in a little while, so sorry for the lack of posting. I'm in Collegedale, TN these days, a small town just outside of Chattanooga. We stopped for a little driving break and some gas on our way into town, and when we pulled into the station, gas was only $1.97! We had a little celebration as Black Betty got a fill up for less than $50. I honestly can't remember the last time I bought gas for less than $2/gallon. 

Times they sure are changing...

That realization took me back to where I was the last time gas was around $2/gallon. I had just finished a cross country drive, but for a very different purpose than my most recent cross country drives. My dad and I had just driven from Morgantown to Seattle to take me to move in and begin my internship at Boeing. I thought it was going to be my dream job. I thought my career path was set. Now, all I know is I don't know much. 

I am beginning to feel the weight of the decisions I will need to make after tour. Right now, I have a job that I don't love, and I barely make ends meet doing. Meanwhile, I know that I could get a engineering job I may not love, and be out of debt in one year. And as I look out on the horizon, I don't see any job I would love. In fact, I don't even know what my dream job is or what I wold love. I know that I love to serve in the ways I have been serving, but none of them have yet to provide any income. Don't get me wrong, it's not about the money, but I also have to be responsible in paying bills and financial stewardship. 

For me, I think it might be like everyone says about the person you marry - you just know. But right now I don't know. So, what's a girl to do? I am torn. I'm not sure if God is saying to trust him more or to find a way to get out of debt to free myself up to do whatever He has for me in the future. I wish I could just win the lottery. :)

I covet your prayers concerning this and value your opinions. Ultimately I know it's a me and God decision, but I also know God has placed people in my life to point me to Him when I can't see clearly. 

Thanks for reading and being in my life... I promise my next blog will be about what's happening rather than bearing my soul... 

On the Road Again

With every turn Black Betty makes, I feel myself being driven further into a place I've been before, but still don't completely understand. It's like returning to Narnia. Something about it is the same - it still holds the same magic and wonder - and yet everything has changed completely. 

A new team, new region, new roles, new life. My return to the road has been interesting even in just three days. I arrived on Thursday, was able to meet my four teammates: Laura, Lauren, Chris, and Adam (yes, another Adam). Each of them is very different, yet each has a familiar quality that made me feel instantly at ease. I can't wait to begin to learn who they are, what they're about, and how I can serve them in their last leg of tour. I truly believe this is why God called me back on the road - to be a servant because I know how the last few weeks of tour are. You are sleep deprived, poured out, wanting to finish strong, but not sure physically how you are going to make it. I hope to begin to be able to close this gap.

Just one day after meeting my teammates, my worlds collided. I found out my mom was going to be in Greensboro, NC for a conference, and it just so happened that we were in Greensboro. I was so excited to meet up with her, for her to meet the team, and for her to get a glimpse of what my life would be like for the next few weeks. I think I hoped after all this, she would feel better about my decision to return to the road. On the contrary, I became all too aware of just how foolish my life seems in her eyes. And it broke my heart. For the first time I can remember, she hid nothing. All of her skepticism, criticism, and negativity was put out there for the world to see. 

I held my tongue. I tried to ignore most of it. but each word hit me like a dagger, piercing deeper than the one before. My desire was to honor her in the midst of it all, and I hope I was successful. Although she and I see the world and our roles in it very differently, she is my mother. I love her, and I want better for her than she knows to hope for herself. I just sometimes wish she could see me... REALLY see me. Jesus said we would do even greater things than Him - a promise I have clung to for quite some time. I have felt the weight of this since I can remember, but only in the last couple of years did I begin acting on it. I know that this calling forces my life to be anything but conventional, not close to comfortable, and that is worrisome for a parent. I pray that a consistent pursuit of Christ and the radical things He calls us to will be an instrument from removing the blinders from my mom's eyes so she can see the abundant life that we have in Christ. Taste and see that He is good...

While that situation made for an extremely awkward lunch, I am glad my teammates were able to see the version of my mother that I experience and what I face in being here. I think they were able to gain a perspective to understand where I come from that few have seen - one much easier to reconcile than the dichotomy of my experience versus this wonderful, cheery, happy, positive woman they met. 

"We know that all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

Today, I choose to cling to the good and to the One who brings hope and strength that I may persevere. 

Blogging, take 2

For those of you who have attempted to follow my former blogging efforts, I apologize for being sporadic at best in my posting. For the past year, I have struggled with writing coherently, more less eloquently, and for someone who was always able rely on her pen to express herself, this has been very hard. However I have decided this time around, I am going to write even if it is 4 words or sounds like a caveman wrote it because I desire to share my life with you all. So bear with me, and hold on. It's going to be an adventure...